Sirius's Pain
by Purple Spotted Hedwig
Summary: Short and sad. First chapter about Sirius's Pain. Second about Harry's Pain. 3rd about Remus's. OotP Spoilers in 2nd&3rd chaps! No Slash! THANKS TO MY REVIEWERS!
1. Sirius's Pain before OotP

centerSirius's Pain/center  
  
I always feel so horrible around Harry. I love my godson, I do, he is one of the few joys I have too. But when I'm around him, I can't smile, because he's a replica of James. James was my best friend, we had been best friends longer then any of us. As we were both pure-bloods, though neither of us thought it mattered much, we knew each other from the day 2 and became immediate friends. We grew up playing on brooms together, even when my family temporarily had some financial problems and couldn't afford brooms. At Hogwarts, our love for each other grew more, because it became more important. It was always James and Sirius, even after Remus and.and.I can't even say his name.and that rat, became part of the Marauders. The only time we got in a fight was in our 6th year, when I told him not to settle down with a girlfriend, his girlfriend, Lily. We resolved it, but it was heart- wrench not being able to be by my brother. Now being separated by death from him is nearly enough to make me die. I still cry myself to sleep each night.  
  
My anger at..at.that rat, was unexplainable, I hated, well I still do hate him, is so hard for words. He killed me, by killing, James. In Azkaban, before I came up with my Amangius form for help, my happy times with James were sucked from me, his death playing over in my mind. Around that time, I knew I had to pull my self together, even a little bit, to protect Harry, as I had promised to do at his birth. I formulated a plot, well barley with my weakened body, mind, and soul.  
  
In Harry James's 3rd year, I got to be near him- near Harry and James- which both hurt and delighted me. For the first time in 12 years, I cracked a smile, a smile for James. I made Harry happy! When I had to flee once again, I plunged into depression again. I failed James. It was once again the promise to James to be Harry's godfather, which gave me enough soul to go on.  
  
Harry's 4th year was also incredibly painful. Not being able to see Harry, and him in a potentially dangerous situation, I used my well-known courage and gusto, to give Harry strength.  
  
At the end of Harry's year, when Voldemort rose again, and Harry battled him, which was as painful for me as it was for him, for Harry became my obsession, my other half which was empty without James, I had to cry, cry as I had only done once before. And when Harry told of James's echo, it was even harder to control myself. For Harry, it was a revelation, being able to see James for the first time, if only for a minute, but for me, but for me, it was devastating, for all those memories to wash thorough my mind. The happy times for James and me. The sad ones too, and all my regrets, what I could've done.  
  
It's still difficult for me to live, knowing that my brother James, for that's what I consider him, isn't alive, but lying in a grave. The depression and devastation it's brought to my heart. I just want to die, but I can't, because Harry, my brother's son, needs me.  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
I really hope you cried. I got the idea when I re-read the end of Goblet of Fire, and read where Sirius covered his face with his hands. I nearly cried re-reading that part in the book, because I felt Sirius's anguish, and wanted to show it to others. I was trying to get you to cry for Sirius's anguish, but perhaps my writing isn't good enough.  
  
Please review. I may be short, it may not be a story, but just a thought bubble, but I want to find how you feel about Sirius, and the grief he feels.  
  
-Hedwig7up 


	2. Harry's Pain

Order of the Phoenix Spoilers! No slash!  
  
A/N: I looked back on the first entry, which was written right before the 5th book came out. I'm glad I wrote it then, because else I would feel something was missing. I have a new chapter to add on to it, although I really thought that was going to be the only thing I wrote about it. I have another chapter that's already written, called Remus's Pain. I will post that when I get 2 more reviews. That one is better than this one.  
  
Disclaimer for the previous chapter, this one and however many I write afterwards: I don't own any of the characters etc. They belong to the fabulous Writing Queen, J.K. Rowling. Long live the Queen!  
  
~~~~~  
  
I'm sitting on the gray lumping mattress in the Dursley's house that I call a room, lying on the thin pillow and running this year through my mind; the DA, Dumbledore's sacrifice, and this awful place.  
  
"Sirius could give me such a better home." I say to myself out load. Oh no, it happened again. I tell myself, "He's dead, he's dead, he's not coming back," but in the middle of repeating it outloud, I choke.  
  
I will not cry. "Sirius would've wanted for me to be strong. Siri-" I break down and start sobbing.  
  
The tears pore from my eyes. I know there glistening from the flood that I feel on my cheeks. They flood, and I take the pillow in my hands covering my face with it. Sirius wouldn't cry. I have to be strong. But I keep weeping.  
  
Sirius is dead. The anguish of my godfather being dead finally hits me, that he is dead. The only father I ever knew was dead. His limp body slumping behind the arch.  
  
His limp body, that I could've saved. My fault. I don't want to live. Sirius should be alive.  
  
And I cry more. The salty tears won't stop, although the whimpers I had making before have been contained.  
  
My father's best friend is dead. I should've been there for you Sirius. I'm sorry I let you down Dad. I let him die.  
  
I let him die..the words echo through my mind as a surge of new tears form from somewhere in me.  
  
He's dead..the new words echo along with the other ones.  
  
My godfather..my godfather.one of my best friends..my godfather...is.is dead...  
  
The gray pillow is now drenched in my tears. I try to contain them, but I can't.  
  
I run down the dark stairs. The clock in the kitchen flashes 2:46 AM..I grab a knife and stand over the sink, letting my blood pore into the sink like my tears, which are still coming.  
  
And I am relieved. Still crying, but relieved.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
A/N: I really don't think that's the best I've ever done. The last chapter was better.and it was longer. I was trying to feel what Harry might feel, but I really couldn't. Feel free to flame, cry, or laugh, just please review.  
  
Purple Spotted Hedwig -formally hedwig7up, or Luna Lovegood. 


	3. Remus's Pain

Order of the Phoenix Spoilers! In this chapter! No slash!  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
I am the last Marauder. I never dreamed I would be the one to out live them all.  
  
Peter, our Peter, if there ever was such a thing, died a long time ago with his innocence. He joined Voldemort's forces, and fell dead in my eyes. He is no longer with us.  
  
James was next. He was the one I thought would live. He was always the strongest. The bravest. The favorite. He the first to become truly happy too. When he married Lily and had Harry, I thought he'd live the best life. And the longest. I miss him so. He was the first to become my friend. The first I told I was a werewolf, and he was also the most excepting. I always see him again in Harry. In almost everything he does, James is with him, even if Harry doesn't see that himself.  
  
Sirius. My God. Saying his name again brings back a surge of tears. He wanted to go after Harry. Harry was all he lived for. After James's death, we grew closer, and had better days together, but he was only truly happy when he was with Harry, and Harry was happy. Harry was both Sirius's strength and weakness. Both savior and killer. Voldemort knew that, and used it against him.  
  
I am the last Marauder, and it pains me so. The ones who helped me in school, the ones who made *my* life worth living, are now dead. And Harry's all I have now.  
  
In fact, Harry is the one who keeps us all alive. To James, Harry and Lily were worth giving his life for them. And he proved that. Harry is the root of James as much as James is the root of Harry.  
  
Harry was the root of Sirius. Sirius lived for Harry, because of his vow to James. James was Sirius's brother. The only reason Sirius lived after James was to live for Harry. Sirius was only happy when Harry was. He lived to make Harry's life good, his life happy. When Harry was strong, Sirius felt he could do anything, and could. When Harry was upset, Sirius plunged into deeper depression.  
  
And now, I live for Harry. My friends are dead. My family is dead. I never felt as if I had a real family until I met James, Sirius and Peter. The old Peter. Now I must live for Harry, because I'm his only link. His only link to James, his father. His only link to Lily, his mother. His only link to Sirius, his godfather of whom he internally regarded as his father. His only link to any time in the past that might've been happy.  
  
I must live for him.  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
A/N: I rather regard that as a powerful piece. That was in Remus's point of view if you couldn't tell already. When Sirius died, I also though of Remus, who was now the last true Marauder. I feel Remus will definitely play a bigger part to Harry now, as he is the only link to his father and Sirius. I also think he'll be depressed. 


End file.
